Going through some basement boxes I came across some papers… in it was a miscellaneous envelope with this written on the back. I must have been driven, angry, or something because it is written in capital letters, pen, and only one mistake. I don’t know if this is copied from somewhere or what. The envelope stamp date is November 1995, I was living in New Brighton.
WHY DO WE HAVE DEMONS IN THE BACK OF OUR HEART?
WHY DO THEY INSIST ON COMING OUT AND TEARING OUR WORLD APART?
I’M LOVED, I’M SAFE, I’M HELD, I’M CARED FOR, I’M GIBRALTAR ROCK STRONG.
WHY DOES THE DEMON MAKE ME FEEL SO SMALL, SO WEAK, SO VERY WRONG?
I’VE KNOCKED THEM BACK. I’VE LOCKED THEM UP. I’VE PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE.
SO PLEASE TELL ME WHY THEY COME BACK OUT AND SHOW THEIR UGLY FACE.
SO I PRAY TONIGHT TO THE DEMON LEADER “ONCE AND FOR ALL LET ME BE!”
AND HE REPLIES “DEAR SWEET CHILD, YOU BELONG TO ME.”
Written sometime between 1991 and 1993 another box finding… Black/White or Kaleidoscope
When I was younger, about fourteen or fifteen, I had 3 dreams.
The first one was to be a nurse, the second was to have a happy family, and the third was to be a great singer.
It’s amazing how at that age, and even younger, you can have these great aspirations. How you think you will have the world by the tail and in someways even think you are invincible. But my grasp on the world’s tail was loosened. Loosened by the other people imposing their reality on me. It’s really interesting, if everyone had the same reality, this world would either be a very black and white world or a very large kaleidoscope.
It’s been a long night sifting through boxes. It has been a long time since I have been back here, but it is good that I am here because it is one of the reasons I am here today.
The following is a letter I found, whether it was ever published…who knows. But it was written while I was at The Refuge…
This letter is to all the men who feel they must dominate, control and abuse. This may only be one woman’s thoughts, but I feel I speak for all the abused women out there.
We loved you. For some of us we still love you. For some of us we shared a lifetime, and of a lot of us even a family. We went into this with hopes and dreams and love. All we asked for in return was love, respect, consideration and friendship. But instead we were blamed, ridiculed, kicked down and belittled. For some of us the bruises never showed, which would have been easier if they did. At least with the physical abuse we could see and explain our torment. With the emotional and mental abuse it was not always easy to see or deal with. You took away our self esteem, our dreams, and most of all, our trust.
For all of us we stayed. Thanking that someday you’d change. Hoping some day you would see the treasure before you. That somewhere in that twisted, paranoid mind of yours you’d come to figure out that things can be worked out without mind games, abuse or violence. But it never happened. Then when we did leave, you couldn’t believe it. You told us we didn’t have any right that we were wrong. Well….if you would have ever pulled yourself out of your self absorbed, dominating, egotistical shell, you’d have noticed that most of it was your own fault. We let you pull you down with your lies, deceit, and false promises. We let ourselves pull you up anytime you needed it. In fact, it got to the point you were standing on top of us, figuratively speaking, and we were smothering.
Of all of us that had the courage to walk away, that had the strength to live fear, that had the love and understanding of everyone around us, we will make a stand for the rest of us still out there and we will try with all our might to wipe out abuse forever.