People, even my family, are often taken aback by my willingness and openess about my abusive first marriage, my rape, my miscarriage….
But a couple of months ago I saw an 80’s white station wagon, one my ex used to drive, one that every time I saw I would cringe. My husband and I were driving down Hwy 169 in Champlin, MN and on the east side of the highway with a forsale sign on it was an exact duplicate of my ex’s wagon. I froze. I gasped. And then asked my husband to turn around and go back to that station wagon.
He pulled up in the parking lot about 4 car lengths from the fear on wheels….. I sat in our car and stared at the white monstrosity… getting out, walking over, with pictures and horror films running through my mind I touched the ghosts window….. dragged my fingers along its silver arms upto the handle on the front door…. the red interior was just the same hiding all the beatings I had taken…. I opened the door, sat down inside, grasp the steering wheel and looked in the mirror……
My devil was not in back…. it was just an empty back seat that was clean and ready for sale.
I stepped back out, thanked the owner, got in our vehicle and went on our way home. Smiling at my husband I thanked him for helping me win that battle over 80’s white station wagons. The flashbacks would no longer be as severe when I saw one, I would no longer hide when one was in a parking lot.
I still have pine and pine trees, sand and other things to get past, that trigger things that have ugly faces. But kicking the wagon and making it steel instead of scare….. lets me know that I do have the strength now to do this….