The world can not feel or see our trauma, PTSD or suffering.
I have found very few care or try to understand.
If words or comments stop you from healing then suffering is your plight.
Healing is not for the squeamish, the timid, the ones looking for a short cut, a pill.
Healing comes with great effort and discipline of a daily practice.
Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours.
Why the need for falseness to fit in?
Why the need to comply with negativism to keep your positivism?
Wow it has been an interesting year. Loss and gain of loved ones. It is amazing how much love was in a room to celebrate the end of a life, the beginning of a life, and the beginning of two lives together.
And yet in between all those celebrations there is still blame, negativity, and disbelief.
How is it when family and friends come together, that before and after the hurt and hostility is still the same. How can LOVE be blooming for a day and then lost the next?
How can a mother shut out her son?
How can a son side with his bride about what she believes is his family’s history?
When is it time to shut out the negative and concentrate on the positive? When is it time to no longer care about who no longer believes in you? When is it time to explain the blame and who is responsible and that it may even be yourself but it may hurt others?
When is it time to walk away?
So much love in one room, so much happiness, so many good memories, yet…..
What is FAMILY? I have been asking that question for the last 3 years. Actually more than that but that had only to do with one relative. But recently, I have seen judgement from family members who have been in the same place I have been, who have no reason to judge because they have no fucking clue where me and my husband have been. The amazing thing about family is none of them ask if you are okay expecting a real answer, an truthful answer, a god honest answer. And when you give that god honest answer the subject is changed as quick as possible or you are judged.
I have two families that have never been in my shoes yet think I am faking my epilepsy, I have two families that have no clue what my husband has been through on his 3 deployments yet feel he should just be able to buck up and move on.
Well, this weekend, with our falling down house that was almost foreclosed on and a couple of family members that sat criticizing it during my husbands birthday, we came to a decision.
We have family, but only those that will not judge us, that will not criticize us, that will not blame us unless they have walked in our shoes.
We have had the bible verses thrown in our faces so many times and yet we have family members that do not follow them.
We have friends that act more like family than many of our family.
I am done trying to make things perfect for my so called perfect family. I am done trying to explain what is going on that is make me not so perfect.
I am perfect as far as God is concerned and so is my Husband. If my families do not think so…. well you can meet with God on that one.
Call the docs, Call the Bishops, Call the Warlocks! Call the the the the
…. for Petro’s sake take a pill.
If it is the first or second one then call an ambulance…maybe… if there is someone on hand that knows how to take care of someone that has a seizure than go that route.
People with seizures at one time were considered gods/high priests/lords then something went wrong…. and for the rest of you…I will let all of you look that painful story up.
It has taken since then, for us to pull ourselves out of dark pits, insane asylums, state hospitals, and more. And now, for pigskins sake, we have a MAN, a REAL MAN, a FOOTBALL COACH, having seizures.
I wonder how many other of the 60,000 epileptics in Minnesota had a seizure on Saturday. The MOMs, the DADs, the CHILDREN, the COLLEGE KIDS (like Representative Abeler who unfortunately lost his to SUDEP), the STOREKEEPERS, the BANKERS, the GOVERNMENT WORKERS, just to name few.
The difference between us and Coach is the stupid news keeps reporting it like its some kind of awful thing. Of those 60,000 epileptics we don’t have to report it to you stupid sports reporters every time it happens.
A seizure is normal, just like low sugar is in diabetes, just like high blood pressure, just like migraines, just like a heart attack, and can be dealt with medically or sometimes surgically. There are some seizures that are not easy to control. But those like Coach’s and mine are controlled by medication, I have mine for 34 years, had a family, worked, and more.
If the College would ignore the fans ignorant and bigoted outbursts and ranting, then all will go away. If the news will quit reporting a normal life situation, or start reporting it as a normal life situation maybe the world would treat at as normal life situation.
Over and Out
Okay, explanation simple for your sports people to understand (I’m a sports person too I just don’t let it take up every aspect of my life)
A seizure is kinda like when a breaker goes out in your house’s breaker box during a game and the t.v., stereo, and cable go out in the living room and you have to down to the basement and flip the switch and guess what, everything is back on and alright again.
That’s what’s goes on in an epileptic’s head, so….the more the paper keeps reporting it, the more we are going to stress about it, the more we are going keep crappy floppy all over the place, the more you idiots are gonna complain.
SO STOP IT!!!
Well, summer is nearing the end, the vegetable garden is coming to a close on certain things but the canning and freezing has been a blast. Married off our only child, said farewell to a father and a sister. Seasons come and seasons go that’s how the song goes right?
Along with that comes doors opening and doors not necessarily closing but left for a later time or to come back to when no more doors need opening. It’s amazing when you come to a place in life that some call crisis, others call midlife, lets just call it make the best or better of it.
So if you married off your kid, had the possibility to change jobs for maybe the better, it meant moving from somewhere you have lived for 30 yrs (give a few excursions), but it was your midlife crisis. What would you do?
Hope everyone had an amazing summer!
Hope and Happiness
If only all of us could do this for our moms….. a salute to all mom’s thru out the world, and to my mom who helped me be the person I am today…
Stephen Colbert pays tribute to his mother on “The Colbert Report”Fair
warning: Watching the man (Colbert himself, not his “Colbert Report” character) remember his mother may move you to tears, or make you want to call your own mother, or both
While you're frying up some eggs and bacon, we're cooking up something else: a way to celebrate today's food holiday.
If at first you don't succeed, fry, fry again -- June 13 is Kitchen Klutzes of America Day!
There’s an inner kitchen klutz in all of us. Even the best chefs slice their fingers, burn their forearms on oven doors and drop plates full of food.
Ahhh, spring or summer or whatever we call here in the north land has hopefully finally arrived. The backup on home and yard projects is very very very long.
So, I will be taking the next couple months off from writing and posting unless something absolutely necessary needs to be brought to our attention.
I hope everyone has a wonderful couple of months
Love and Peace
Whenever we feel resistance, agitation or the desire to avoid, an opportunity to integrate, to heal, to at least understand our own body mechanisms, and patterns of behavior appears.
Healing happens when we observe not avoid or dissociate into the storyline.
Healing happens when we face and go towards our triggers.
Healing goes through fear and storyline not around in a distraction mode of living.
Why is it men are permitted to be obsessed about their work, but women are only permitted to be obsessed about men? Barbara Streisand
The thing women have yet to learn is that nobody gives you power. You just take it. Roseanne Barr
People don't want to see women doing things they don't think women should do. Joan Jett
Bitches get stuff done.
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what’s my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I’m dying
Are the best I’ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It’s a very, very mad world … mad world
Enlarging your world
- I have decided to re-post this because of the sequester and the furlough. Roughly 1200 full-time National Guardsmen and women will be cut to 32 hours a week because the defense budget hasn’t been ratified. That means 26% of these Guardsmen and women’s paychecks will be cut, including my husband’s. I would have to guess that most of these full timers are veterans. Most of these full timers have families. And last but not least, how many of these full timers are still fighting combat stress or PTSD.
If you wish to call and give your opinion here is the phone number to the National Guard Bureau Public Affairs Dept. 703-607-2584
- Almost 7 years later and and a 2nd deployment in between I post this because the Defense Dept. has cut deployment return time off funding to our troops….my troops…..your troops and I’m find myself having to be angry once again. like I was in 2005, like I was in 1998 when I began MY warfare against the Federal Government, Congress, and the Defense Dept. on behalf of our troops and their families. Do I have to light my torch again?
I was driving home from work on 35E when my husband called and said the official word had finally come in. Orders had been cut, his unit would be heading to train in WI and then off to Iraq. I had been prepared for this call for some time now but for some reason a sense of dread, panic and utter loneliness overcame me and I found myself pulled over on the side of the highway during rush hour trying to fathom what was to come.
Now began the long weeks of readiness, briefings, tears, and the unknown. On Dec 7 2003 our guys were activated, and a week later they convoyed out to WI for 1 to 3 months of training. The first week in Feb. my husband and the rest of the unit landed in Kuwait, the hours and minutes of unknown had begun. Sporadic updates, sporadic communications, and ever changing conditions for our soldiers began to wear on our families. CNN and MSNBC and others like them were evil allies in making life worse for our military families. Death, death and more death was all they would report and the fact that military families didn’t seem to have the same rights as civilians when it came to the death of a loved one just made us feel even more insignificant. By month three my TV remained off but my phone and my computer remained at the ready as did every other family member’s, waiting, waiting for a connection to the life they knew before.
For those of you with loved ones at home, maybe you can understand this analogy. Imagine if you can your child or loved one going out or leaving the house and then not calling when they don’t come home at the pre-determined time. Now it’s two hours past that time, now 6 hours. Imagine that feeling for 365 to 545 days in a row. The only problem with this scenario is that you can’t call them, or their friends or the workplace or hangout. You are stuck waiting and hoping that all is well. There is always the saying “No news is good news”, but it is very hard to get in that frame of mind when it comes to a loved one.
It is now Aug 2004 and I can’t tell you when it happened or why it happened but I am sure it was an accumulation of sleepless nights, raising a teen, a house that refused to stay intact for more than a month are among a few. But I think it was mainly that many were so uncaring and unaware that military families existed and the sacrifices they were making. I don’t remember the exact day it happened but I went from being a veteran FRG volunteer and military family voice and then the spark went out. Everything that I had loved about being part of the camaraderie, the loyalty and caring just wasn’t important anymore. It became more about self preservation than it did about the group as a whole.
My husband came home in Jan 2005, it is now Dec 2005, seven hundred thirty plus days and counting. We have been through return, we were going through reunion and then the military again seemed to think that reunion and readiness with family was not as important as getting troop equipment ready for a deployment. For three months (June-Sept) my husband and co-workers spent weeks away from home and came home weekends. Every project that had been put off for the last 2 years due to his deployment was now put off again and so was our family’s reunion progress. Not only was this an emotional and mental strain, but it was also a financial strain as well, we were now back to square one.
I am Molly Pitcher, who no woman’s group believes should be honored…. I am a Guard Wife… and just to remind all of you AGAIN!!!
“I Am A Guard Wife”
It was my hand that caught up the plow my husband let fall when he answered the call at Lexington and Concord.
Through the dark years of country’s birth I fought too working the land, rearing the children, nursing the sick and wounded, conservator of the life for which he fought.
For I am a Guard Wife and I am proud. For two hundred years in every armed conflict, I have said goodbye with aching heart and smiling face when my husband went to war. I knew the perilous days of 1812 and suffered the searing agony of the Civil War. Through the holocaust of two World Wars, I waited, lonely and fearful. Yet I never despaired for I knew the stubborn will of the Guardsman. I know the shining courage which makes him so valiant a soldier and I have matched it with my woman’s courage that deals with the living, not dying, shouldering added responsibilities, holding the family together, bolstering morale, preserving the American Ideal in a world at war.
I am a Guard Wife and I am proud. In peace I work beside my civilian soldier to build a better world. I put aside the annoyances of drill weekends and camp periods.For I know that these make him the bone and sinew of our country’s defenses. I know he is learning the skills and discipline that make him ready in emergencies. When he protects others from danger, preserves the peace or gives comfort and aid in disaster, I understand and give him my support. For that has always been my job: nurturer, comforter, and healer.
I am a Guard Wife and I am proud. When I hear the fearful talk of abuse of power growing into dictatorship or read stories of military take-over I am not afraid for my country.
For I know the Guard: trained, skilled and strong, each man matured and strengthened in the home I have helped to build, to be tough, independent-thinking and self-reliant. Civilian-Builder. Soldier-Protector. Custodian of Democracy. By his side I stand, Wife of a Hero, Mother of Generations, Keeper of Ideals, Custodian of the Future. I do not fear for the United States of America.
For I am a Guard Wife and I am proud. I am Molly Pitcher, I am Laurie, I am ETAB Family…
Author: Harriet A. Daffron, Wife, Iowa ARNG
First, h/t Clarisse Thorn, who brought this to my attention. Camille Paglia, the ur-concern troll of academic feminism, is apparently still writing for publication. I suppose I had assumed as much, since concern trolls of a certain kind are never really out of a job. What she purports to do here is review three books. That's not fair. She actually reviews three books.
They look just like everybody else.
It's not an easy thing to keep in your head. Disney movies have taught us that villains look like villains.* But in real life, they look like everybody else.
Once they get caught, and we see a mugshot and they look like they were up all night drinking and then groped a stranger in a parking lot and were driven off by force, it's easy to see them for what they are.
Now that I have your attention....
I have written briefly about this in an earlier post. But I felt the need to write just about this one particular problem this time. To support my daughter and to learn from all of our mistakes through my written word.
Rebecca is late....she is never late...
My 9 year daughter has a young man in her class that thrives on getting attention.
Two billion dollars. That’s how much the Top 5 superhero movies grossed in America in 2012. That’s more than Somalia’s annual GDP. According to some estimates, that’s how much money is spent yearly in the global black market firearms trade. It's definitely enough paper to buy you half of an aircraft carrier, one with all the bells and whistles. And that wasn't even the global box office for the movies.
There’s things that happen in a person’s life that are so scorched in the memory and burned into the heart that there’s no forgetting them.
April 28, 1789: The real-life mutiny that inspired John Boyne’s novel, Mutiny on the Bounty, took place aboard the HMS Bounty 224 years ago today. Half the ship’s crew, seduced by several months of good life on Tahiti, rose up against Captain William Bligh. Some of the mutineers’ descendants still live on Pitcairn Island.
The military and police teach a special stance and grip for firing a weapon under intense fear and pressure. This special technique stands up under our adrenal response mechanism, that is adrenaline and cortisol dumping into our system.
We feel like this barn, under enormous pressure to escape this fate. This visual is the scariest scenario we can imagine, whatever that may be for each individual.
When I finally meet you, will I remember how to love you? I think, somewhere in the last--what is it now? Almost 4 years?--of being mostly alone, or at least not in love, maybe I forgot what you’re supposed to do when you are in love. For instance, will I remember how to pull my limbs in from my nightly spread eagle in bed, and not hate you for taking up half the space that has, for so long, been mine, ALL MINE, GOD DAMNIT?
Here’s the church
Here’s the steeple
Open the doors…..
Ah children’s rhymes, so simple back in the day and yet speak so many truths now.
Taught to believe when we were young, believe in fairy tales, in knights in shining armor, in wrongs being righted, in the truth.
Then we grow up, and little by little those beliefs are slowly torn away.
Torn away by false faces, fake smiles, and small minds.
Having the honor of being taught by some great leaders in life, only to see idiots replace them.
Being part of some great movements only to see them torn down by pride or self involvement.
Seeing great people go forward only to have them sucked up by bigotry and lies.
Having faith in a cause, belief in a project, total everything in a group…
Only to see it screwed up by humans. Humans using these things to further themselves and not the cause,
humans more bigoted then the others they are fighting, hypocritical humans leading a cause for supposed good.
Some may call this a mid-life crisis, others may call this a coming to a realization, there are many more names for what this is….
It is called realizing the wrong people are put on pedestals, and the worshiping is now over.
There are few humans to have faith in and none of those speak out loud, use a microphone or an altar. None of them use a grandstand or video.
None of them use fancy buildings or finances.
Open the doors and see all the people,
Close the doors, done for the day
Open the doors they’ve all gone away.
You don’t need a steeple and people to believe..
When I shift my posture, fold my arms and turn away it means I don’t want to hear it again.
I’ve been here done this for over 30 years and I know the pain I cause.
When I cross my legs and look at the floor the conversation is something dark to me.
I’ve been here done this for over 20 years and I know the pain I’ve lived.
When I excuse myself or just walk away the words are more traumatic than you will ever know.
I’ve been here done this for over 20 years and I know the pain I have yet to resolve.
When I sit forward in my seat, clasp my hands, and bounce my leg, it is something that I believe in but is being threatened.
I’ve been here before, I have seen it repeat itself over and over and I have no patience left.
When I stand up in a sitting crowd, muscles tense and ready to scream out loud, but instead I walk out of the room, it is because all that has gone forward has hit a dam, and all is being washed downstream in the collapse.
I’ve been here before, watched Ignorance lead the pack while Backbone shrivels and dies.
Attentiveness or Bliss
Anger or Ignorance
What is the difference?
Standing up, singing lauds
Playing sides, giving cause
But who’s at fault, to blame
Why the rally, or campaign
For both Able and Kane
Stop your supposed moral strong
Quit your righteous wrong
For it has been going on far too long
Fighting the purchased, why
Believing an acquired campaign, sigh
Repeating lie after lie after lie
Please re-blog this, share this anyway you know how.
The best way to show you support Jane Doe is to make a donation, however small and leave a Paypal note when you do saying “In the name of Jane Doe, Steubenville.” They are telling her how many people donate in her name so it’s a direct way of letting her know. Even if all you can afford is a dollar, a thousand WordPress users donating that is a thousand dollars for abuse victims. And it’s also a thousand people telling her directly that they, unlike the likes of CNN and her erstwhile “friends”, care about her, support her, and believe in her. It’s what she has actually asked people to do. In a case where she has been so effectively silenced and sidelined, I think acknowledging she’s been heard is particularly important.
(edited from createourownlight.tumblr.com original post)
No…. the authors of the bible lied!!! no… no…. no way… it can’t be…. just as there were no women writers….
Cross-posted at Shannon's blog The Radical Housewife.
...and whatever your feelings about the largely symbolic nature of the One Billion Rising movement (and I share them, believe me), consider that Katie Couric, hardly a radfem,
Late last week, I was asked, “Are you a motivational speaker?” I didn’t even hesitate when I answered, “I hope not.”
Please, do not misunderstand me; I have listened to some amazing motivational speakers. I have had chills as they energized me to run from the room and hurry to go accomplish my goals. I have wanted to set the world on fire as they predicted I could.
***Trigger warning for sexual assault, victim blaming***
Barbara Kruger created this famous poster for a women's rights march on Washington in 1989. That the message remains chillingly relevant is a testament both to Kruger's talent and to the continuous, relentless attacks on women's bodily autonomy....and just when you think you can't be MORE shocked, MORE disgusted, or MORE outraged, you are.
“ Yes, my children will avenge me. They must destroy the Romans. Horrible, dishonorable, copycat Romans. Hera argued that we must keep the two camps apart. I said, No, let them fight. Let my children destroy the usurpers. ”
–Minerva talking to Annabeth, in The Mark of Athena
****Trigger warning for sexual assault, victim blaming***
I’m writing this today because I really don’t know what else to do. I while ago I published a post saying I was no longer going to be an advocate/activist for Violence Against Women, Domestic Violence Laws, Rape Victims and so on because I needed to move on. But I finally realized today it is not so much that I need to move on, but it is because I am in the wrong generation. My generation has failed it’s women and children. My generation has failed its unions and workers. My generation has failed to remember that when you take the oath of office it is the same one that a military soldier takes.
This is supposedly a new millennium, and the next generation is here to hopefully to save our asses. I have already seen my son learn from our many mistakes and do so much better at 23 than I was doing at that age when I had him. This new millennium is also supposedly the end of the patriarch and the beginning of the matriarch if you reach outside your christian beliefs and real read facts or care about the other religions and non-religions going on.
Three bills were proposed across this great land of ours (this once great land of ours) that give more rights to a rapists than the survivor or the survivor’s family.
- Recently in New Mexico, BILL 206 was proposed that wanted to enact the following: RELATING TO CRIMINAL LAW; SPECIFYING PROCURING OF AN ABORTION AS TAMPERING WITH EVIDENCE IN CASES OF CRIMINAL SEXUAL PENETRATION OR INCEST.
- There is also the fact that as of August 2012, 31 states allowed rapists custody and visitation rights to a child born due their crime.
- But of the 19 states that have laws addressing the custody of rape-conceived children, 13 require proof of conviction in order to waive the rapist’s parental rights. Two more states have provisions on the issue that only apply if the victim is a minor or, in one of those cases, a stepchild or adopted child of the rapist. Another three states don’t have laws that deal with custody of a rapist’s child specifically, but do restrict the parental rights of a father or mother who sexually abused the other parent.
The other reason I am writing this today is because when I heard about the bill in New Mexico I could not let it go and decided to write the rebuttal below. I wonder if any of the elected officials proposing the asinine bills have ever thought about these consequences.
At age seventeen I was raped by a young man I knew, at age twenty-four I was raped by two men I knew. At age seventeen I had an abortion, at age twenty-four I was escaping a violent marriage. Unfortunately I had a miscarriage 5 months later in my parent’s bathroom. I had no idea I was pregnant, and was told she probably died at 3 months because of the beatings I took from my ex-husband.
A bill was introduced that rape victims carry their rapists’ child as evidence.
If I had to carry my rapist’s child (my ex-husband would not have been named a rapist) his friend may have…. what would I have told my son, 18 months old. What would I have told him about his sibling especially if it wasn’t his father’s? What would I have told my son about his sibling while I went to court? What would I have told my son about his sibling if my rapist wanted joint custody and his father didn’t What would happen when my husband adopts my son, but isn’t allowed to adopt my rapist’s child because a rapist has more rights than my husband?
For the men and women introducing these bills on behalf of the religious organizations that supported you and the other pro-life organizations that endorsed you, I know you have been asked what if this happened to your daughter. Well that doesn’t matter because all of you can afford the back room abortions, while people like me, would have had to rely on a shop vac, coat hanger, or many other life threatening devices.
If I had to give my rights to my rapists, I tell you right now, I would have dropped my son off at my parents and drove out to the country and shot myself in the head. I would not have put my parents and my son through the blind, bogus, bigoted, treatment, which you decided to enact.
About a year ago I wrote a piece titled “King, Excalibur, and his Holy Grail….” it was a parody look at Rep. King, Rep. De Graaf, Ben Stein and several others “I can’t believe they just said that” type comments using bits from Monty Python.
Lately I have thought a lot about Mr. Python and his Flying Circus as I pound my head on my key board one more time. At the time I wrote that piece last May, I had more hope, less sarcasm (really i did) less anger, and a strength that I could still help change our world. It is amazing what changes in a year.
The Holy Grail is still firmly in its Palace. Program Interruptions have yet to be acknowledged and a Greater Being is taking control. Preaching out loud The Meaning of Life, singing Sacred Sperms from the roof tops, and if you don’t have it..just pretend. With Coconuts.
Today a BREAKING story is more of was their gender, religion, or status to blame. Innocent until proven guilty is a sacred guideline for the news media and law enforcement until it comes to victims or survivors. Freedom of speech, Freedom of guns, and the Freedom of asinine nation has gone into full effect.
There are two quotes from Monty Python that are now constantly on my mind these days. From “The Meaning of Life”
“Ugh, you f*cking Americans are so POMPOUS! None of you have any balls! AND
“Shut up! Shut up you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say ‘Let me tell you something’ and ‘I just wanna say this’. Well you’re dead now, so shut up.”
So we need to interrupt this program. Apologies for the unwarranted attacks by the supporting groups, we are luckily ready for such a problem and will remedy it as quickly as possible…..
While we watch the purchase of assault weapons rise, the rights of women fall, our veterans die, christian religion continue to take over, and our schools fail, I ask you one question.
The worst thing about all this is the parallel’s I see that the line between church and state is disappearing, the rich and white are the only ones being educated, fed, and premiered and our well-regulated militia is becoming a psychotic army. We never learn from our past mistakes do we? And we never teach our children about them.
Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop. You can’t expect to wield supreme power just because some half-written, misquoted book threw a make-believe sword at you do you? Oh my bad. Then off to get your french tickler, impregnate all you can, and spread your “wisdom” just because a book says it is so.
We Americans are so f*cking POMPOUS we don’t have a collective back bone to save our country if we tried. And that goes for myself, I seriously don’t know who and what to fight for or against. I am angry and hurt by those I was raised to trust.
Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop……..
I do believe there are many in my place; those raised by depression era parents, traditionalists, but somehow free thinkers. Those of us in my same predicament, find it hard to adhere to one word terms for the constitutional rights of all.
I have called myself a feminist for a long time but have always felt a slam in my gut when I said it. It alienated too many of the people I grew up with, to many of the people I worked with, to many of the people I befriended over the years. Feminism has taught me many things, so has fighting against domestic violence, so has fighting against bullying, so has fighting for the rights of military families and veterans, so has fighting for glbt rights, and so has fighting for the rights of epileptics and their families.
Feminism was a great effort, Gloria and the many other women fought very hard for our few rights but I think it is now time to change the tune and drop the fem from ism and introduce a new word.
My parents always believed in equality, they fought for it in wars that we will never compare to. They stood in lines for food that we will never see. Our parents, uncles, aunts saw battles on the streets that we will never comprehend and are no longer taught in our schools. Our children today don’t even remember Roe vs. Wade.
Equal needs to replace Female; Equal needs to become Equalism and Equalist. We need to start fighting for the rights of all, regardless of gender, race, or religion. Regardless of status, wealth, or age, we need to start fighting for all living in America, in the United States. Or am I just throwing out words and it is no longer the United States of America where people come to gain freedom and acceptance? When are we going to get past 9/11? We got past Pearl Harbor, even though we threw every Asian person in America in a concentration camp. But we don’t tell our children of the mistakes we made, we tell them of the tragedies that other evil countries made and make them bias, bigoted, and hateful.
It’s time to fight for equality for all who live in this country. It’s time to fight for your neighbor, your co-worker, the stranger you just passed today, maybe even yourself. Equality for all that live here in this wonderful land we call home. It’s time to become an Equalist.
A time to move on…
In 1991 I came home to Minnesota battered and broken from my first marriage. I carried with me my son, my life, and a ruined dream.
We look now 20 years later, married again to my first love, our son is grown, engaged, and building a home for himself and his love.
I have had an amazing life so far, with the help of friends and family, with the support of amazing women and men, with the understanding of those around me.
But I came to a decision at the end of November this year, with almost 20 years of advocating and activating for the rights of domestic assault/violence victims I have decided to pass the torch on to someone else. I have forgiven/passed on/and rubbed out all done against me. It is also time for me to close these doors and open new ones that don’t place angst upon my husband.
Some months ago I received a call from police officer, a body was in a morgue and a card in her pocketbook had my name on it if anything happened to her. It was early in the morning; I received a car ride down to identify her. When I saw her face I stood there silent, I stood there shocked, I stood there disbelieving. The last time I saw her face was 20 years ago, she and I were at the same shelter going through the same terror. She and I went through the same counseling, the same guidance, the same love and hope. Yet here I stood over her. Identifying her and some months later would receive her ashes in the mail because no one claimed her.
I will still do my part, but I am done telling my story, I am done being the advanced party, I am done fighting the awareness of it all. It is time to move on and have someone else tell their story, someone else fight the fight. I am too tired, too trodden, too angry, to fight anymore.
So please, stop the awareness of domestic violence and start the STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE…. We are already aware, it needs to stop, now.
In the news, Facebook, at water-coolers and coffee breaks across our land, a newswoman’s graceful and poignant stance being discussed. Jennifer Livingston took a very sharp stab at her weight from a viewer and turned it into a positive. I watched Ms. Livingston’s four-minute piece, and for me, the best part of it was when she spoke of parents teaching their children by example. Good or Bad, children watch us adults and learn what is wrong and right according to you. The habits you display are the habits they pick up and cleaning and smoking aren’t the only ones.
October is Anti-Bullying Month, and for those of you in Minnesota, bullying has been center stage for a few years in our state. The old adage “Kids will be Kids” is no longer acceptable and is no longer in our schools and playgrounds. It is not tolerated as adults as we look at the recent incident on the light rail of a man who started yelling racial slurs or the recent road rage incident that unfortunately ended in a shooting in a police parking lot. Child bullies become adult bullies because their parents or adult figure is or was a bully.
Bullied children are verbally abused about their appearance and behavior than color or creed. Thirty-three percent of the middle and high school students surveyed agree or strongly agrees that teachers can stop bullying. This means that 2/3 of these students are not confident that they can get help from their teachers when bullied.
Male bullying more commonly consists of verbal and physical abuse, because female bullying more commonly involves more verbal abuse and social bullying by spreading of rumors. Eighty-three percent of bullying incidents receive no intervention and continue to happen. Children who are bullies four times more likely to engage in criminal behavior in adulthood and often develop suicidal thoughts.
October has two Anti/Awareness Campaigns, one is for Bullying and one is Domestic Violence and I am very aware of the connection between the two. The unlikely intervention because it goes unreported, thinking that a report is useless because a teacher or police officer cannot fix it immediately the first time it happens. How your self-worth becomes lower and lower in your stomach.
It is Anti Bullying Month, notice it is not Bullying Awareness Month, we need to do the same with Violence…….make us anti not aware.
We are asked to become aware of many things, school zones, flashing lights, and calories to name a few. Awareness has also become the named honor of many days, weeks and even months in our calendar. But what is “being aware” of something exactly? To be conscious, sensitive, knowledgeable of something that exists or you have observed it happening, is to “be aware”.
We have many federal, state, local and non-profit organizations asking that we be aware of many things. We are mindful of homelessness, conscious of mental illness, perceptive of rape, interested in domestic violence, attentive to hunger, discerning of disabilities, cognizant of breast cancer, and experienced about PTSD.
Aware is a nice PR word advocating for something, but being aware does not bring about a need for an end. Requesting someone be aware of sex trafficking is only asking that they be informed and attentive, it is not asking for a stop to sex trafficking nor is it asking to charge the ignorant (which is the opposite of aware by the way).
So when are we going to go from requesting people be aware to demanding them to halt, prevent, end, block, cease, bar, prohibit, sojourn, or impede the many things that need to stop.
The month of October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, thank you for being aware, if you are not I will give this one time to do so, but now being aware is not ending this major issue. Its time to stop Domestic Violence and so much more.
Some of the greatest battles are won when ambushed
Survivors Connect Network, an international coalition of trafficking/prostitution survivors, has voted unanimously to stand with and support the goals of our Irish sister survivor abolitionists. These amazing women, some of whom are members of Survivors Connect Network, are working courageously to bring the Nordic model into Irish law while insisting on meaningful help for women exiting trafficking/prostitution.
Author, survivor and activist
on the outside normal seems
but no one sees below
a silent verge that keeps its ground
until its seen face to face
Sunday morning I decided to watch Fox Sunday News with Chris Wallace because Chief Justice Scalia was a guest. Scalia was there to talk about his new book ”Reading the Law: The Interpretation of Legal Text,” (Scalia’s co-author was law professor Robert Garner) but you know how news shows go.
While interesting questions were asked and interesting answers were given, what was even more interesting was watching Judge Scalia and matching his tone of voice with his words. His arms crossed when he became defensive, his finger over his mouth when answering a question, a sign of a possible lie, looking down at the table instead of Wallace when answering a question. A man with a long history in law and he doesn’t know how to hide his tells.
Judge Scalia is a brilliant man, I don’t disagree. But like myself, when you are unable to hide your emotion or your bias, are you a proper pick for making decisions that affect a person, a city, a county, a state, a country or the world? Think about that the next time you fill in that little dot 98 days from now.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/fox-news-sunday/2012/07/29/justice-antonin-scalia-issues-facing-scotus-and-country
What has become of our government is a question asked many times lately. The emphasis is on our federal government as the media and bloggers debate its actions. Those of us here in Minnesota are thinking the same thing along with some other states around the country. But have any of us taken a good step back and looked at our overall government? What is the state of our governments from township, to city, to school board, to county, to soil and water boards’, to chamber of commerce, to state, to federal? What have we, the citizens, gotten ourselves into in electing the governments we did?
The loss of mission oriented minds replaced by task oriented. And then there is favoritism. Now I use the word favoritism because of local elections that don’t have the billion dollar budgets like some federal elections do but favoritism still goes on. To give you a little example let me tell you a story about city, a county, and a state.
The City is on the edge of the metro area, farmlands still managed but being lost to subdivisions. This is a renewed city that is going from old to new government, budget, cooperation, but somehow the same political bias. I came from a city like this many, many, years ago. We elected a city council but unfortunately a large car dealer, the one large Lutheran church, and 2 or 3 doctors in town ruled instead. I am seeing the same thing in this town. We have an implement dealer, a church, and 2 or 3 old timers whose families have been here since the beginning. There is one sentence I here over and over “But we’ve always done it this way”. That may have been well and good 20 years ago when we were a township, but we are a city now and the way government spends, taxes, and what we are responsible for has changed. Getting the public to understand that would be easy if we didn’t have the “dirty dozen” out there saying “but we’ve always done it this way”.
Now being a city we are now responsible for security, for roads, for fire, for parks and trails, for taxes, and for the burden the county puts upon us because they no longer feel it is their responsibility (i.e. they can’t afford it). This is what is happening to every city across Minnesota, the crap is rolling off one back and on to another and ends up falling on the cities and townships and has nowhere else to go. Some of us are starting to say “No”.
School districts are asking for levies, bonding money every election year. We vote and most times we say yes. We here in the Anoka Hennepin School District 11 have yet to stand and ask “cut our administration cost”, “cut our sports costs”, no, instead, the first cut is teachers, classes, and education. Why do we have 4 principals for each school? When I was in school with the same amount of kids I had 1 principal and the kids were kept in line. We had a full-time nurse. We had a full-time counselor. We had bands for middle school and high school. We had art for middle school and high school. We had industrial arts and metals for high school. There is too much Administration in our schools, just like there is too much administration in Hospitals, and too much administration in our law and fire departments. We here in A-H 11, have a school board that is ruling by personal interest and not by student interest. During the last election, certain candidates endorsed by groups that should have never endorsed such anti civil rights candidates. These supposed “liberal rights” groups endorsed these candidates just because they were female or just because they had other endorsement coupons. What these “liberal rights” groups endorsed was bullying, hate, and suicide.
Last but not least, schools are responsible for teaching not disciplining. Parents are responsible for disciplining. If this is something parents are not responsible for then the courts will find someone responsible for them. Parents thinking that schools are a concrete box for babysitting. Schools are for educating and protecting children. If your child is an asshole, that’s your fault for not raising them correctly. And the excuse of “but I work too much to support them” is bullshit. Then you find “family”, neighbors, church, programs, etc. to help. Your child is your responsibility not the schools, but to teach him or her for the hours they are there.
The County: the County, what can I say but caught in the middle. Trying to support a structure between 21 cities, 5 school districts, a sheriff’s department and at last count I think 8 city police departments. Not to mention miles of roadway, bridges, trails, parks, and other public land. But once again, why aren’t the commissioners publically fighting back? Why are they not calling for an end to cuts to law enforcement, to education, and to transportation? The buck, or crap as I have called it, has to slide somewhere and it does not roll up hill.
The State: Where do I start; a legislature more interested in who I marry and my uterus than our debt, our economy, our children, our safety, just to name a few. We voted these people in. WE VOTED THESE PEOPLE IN! It’s our fault our state is in this mess along with our nation. Our vote put these people in power, from the smallest township to the biggest office in government and they are all connected whether you want to believe it or not.
So, what was the question? Oh yeah…“how did we get this way?” is easy to see when you look at each form of government. Too much emphasis by our media, by our money, and by our “party”, is on federal and state elections, and not even all state elections get noticed. Local elections make huge impacts to what happens further up the chain of command. It’s time to demand the chains of concern start doing their best to make sure the worst are out of the running.
Women and Running for Office…
As I write this I am taking no sides as far as party. The lack of the female gender serving in elected office is not a party issue. It is a political issue and I will tell you why.
There has been a calling for more women to run for elected office, to get involved in politics. There have been many groups formed to help mentor young girls and women to take part in this also. Training groups that make politics more gender specific, how to be vocally assertive, what makes a good campaign, and how not to do it all. There are other groups that let women know how government works, how party systems work, and what it takes to get elected.
But what is not told to us beginners or those that choose to jump in and challenge the unlikely, is that even though rules are written they are often not followed and no one cries foul.
In the 2010 election in Minnesota, the caucus for Governor on the Democrat side was done and one person was picked and yet another still chose to run regardless in the primary. In 2008, many Republican incumbents were not endorsed because they “did not follow GOP mission” and yet these incumbents still ran as republicans and no one challenged them. This year we have a man calling bias for being fired for an affair and he has a point. Is a man supposed to know better than a woman?
A person is elected to vie for the people yet when once in office there is a majority leader, a minority leader that seems to take place of this one public servants people. Now the elected person must follow on behalf of the party and not the people. Once again the rules change.
I myself find it hard to be in this political poop pit. I was raised by rules and consequences, which I passed to my children. Favorites were not played, if you were bad you paid the consequences. Rules do not have consequences in these party’s or in politics. I would stand there in utter amazement at how the game was played.
If I wanted to play games and bend rules I would go back to the high school cliques. If I wanted to see favorites played I would go back to high school sports, plays, and things like that. If I wanted to be led by a majority leader that cared about party more than people, I would go back and vote for class president.
I understand that I have to run under a party symbol, get voted in by the people, and serve a term. But I get voted in by the people, not a government, I will follow the party “guidelines and what they stand for” but that does not mean what the party nationwide thinks is good, does not mean it is good for those that elected me.
I do believe it is because of the rules left broken or unsaid, that more women do not run for office.
Going through some basement boxes I came across some papers… in it was a miscellaneous envelope with this written on the back. I must have been driven, angry, or something because it is written in capital letters, pen, and only one mistake. I don’t know if this is copied from somewhere or what. The envelope stamp date is November 1995, I was living in New Brighton.
WHY DO WE HAVE DEMONS IN THE BACK OF OUR HEART?
WHY DO THEY INSIST ON COMING OUT AND TEARING OUR WORLD APART?
I’M LOVED, I’M SAFE, I’M HELD, I’M CARED FOR, I’M GIBRALTAR ROCK STRONG.
WHY DOES THE DEMON MAKE ME FEEL SO SMALL, SO WEAK, SO VERY WRONG?
I’VE KNOCKED THEM BACK. I’VE LOCKED THEM UP. I’VE PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE.
SO PLEASE TELL ME WHY THEY COME BACK OUT AND SHOW THEIR UGLY FACE.
SO I PRAY TONIGHT TO THE DEMON LEADER “ONCE AND FOR ALL LET ME BE!”
AND HE REPLIES “DEAR SWEET CHILD, YOU BELONG TO ME.”
Written sometime between 1991 and 1993 another box finding… Black/White or Kaleidoscope
When I was younger, about fourteen or fifteen, I had 3 dreams.
The first one was to be a nurse, the second was to have a happy family, and the third was to be a great singer.
It’s amazing how at that age, and even younger, you can have these great aspirations. How you think you will have the world by the tail and in someways even think you are invincible. But my grasp on the world’s tail was loosened. Loosened by the other people imposing their reality on me. It’s really interesting, if everyone had the same reality, this world would either be a very black and white world or a very large kaleidoscope.
It’s been a long night sifting through boxes. It has been a long time since I have been back here, but it is good that I am here because it is one of the reasons I am here today.
The following is a letter I found, whether it was ever published…who knows. But it was written while I was at The Refuge…
This letter is to all the men who feel they must dominate, control and abuse. This may only be one woman’s thoughts, but I feel I speak for all the abused women out there.
We loved you. For some of us we still love you. For some of us we shared a lifetime, and of a lot of us even a family. We went into this with hopes and dreams and love. All we asked for in return was love, respect, consideration and friendship. But instead we were blamed, ridiculed, kicked down and belittled. For some of us the bruises never showed, which would have been easier if they did. At least with the physical abuse we could see and explain our torment. With the emotional and mental abuse it was not always easy to see or deal with. You took away our self esteem, our dreams, and most of all, our trust.
For all of us we stayed. Thanking that someday you’d change. Hoping some day you would see the treasure before you. That somewhere in that twisted, paranoid mind of yours you’d come to figure out that things can be worked out without mind games, abuse or violence. But it never happened. Then when we did leave, you couldn’t believe it. You told us we didn’t have any right that we were wrong. Well….if you would have ever pulled yourself out of your self absorbed, dominating, egotistical shell, you’d have noticed that most of it was your own fault. We let you pull you down with your lies, deceit, and false promises. We let ourselves pull you up anytime you needed it. In fact, it got to the point you were standing on top of us, figuratively speaking, and we were smothering.
Of all of us that had the courage to walk away, that had the strength to live fear, that had the love and understanding of everyone around us, we will make a stand for the rest of us still out there and we will try with all our might to wipe out abuse forever.
My tears are falling
I don’t know what to do
Double a decade
It was a mirror image us two
A tiny building with enormous strength
Our paths crossed inside
But something happened
And only I get to cross the finish line
I was the only one for her to cry
I hope someday
there will be millions
For her….to smile
Shannon Drury, former president of Minnesota NOW, is a writer, at-home parent and community activist. She writes a regular column for the Minnesota Women’s Press, blogs at http://www.theradicalhousewife.com and is a source in MPR News’ Public Insight Network.
Last fall, I attended an event sponsored by Building Bridges, a community organization that, according to its mission statement, “seeks to understand how race and racism impact our communities and to build the future of our neighborhoods together.” The group’s name reflects the yawning gap exposed when south Minneapolis neighbors clashed over a proposal to create an off-leash dog area in a park named for the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. It’s also a literal reference to the east-west divide created when Interstate Hwy. 35W was built in the 1950s.
Remember in your youth the phrase “Think before you speak”
was told over and over by the adults around you? It always amazed me how some
adults could speak out both sides of their mouths. At what point did we lose
our willingness to engage our brain before inserting our foot? Was it when we
realized there was no longer a consequence for our remarks or was it when we
learned the first amendment? Regardless of the reason, toying with someone life
in words should have consequences.
Being diagnosed with epilepsy this concept was evident even
to an eleven year old. Listening to doctors ask questions that would leave even
the most hardened adult confused and belittled. No medical reason for the
epilepsy like brain trauma or birth defect questions were asked like “could you
conjure one (a seizure) up for me?” “You could be wearing your ponytail too
tight”, “Are you sure you aren’t just imagining this?” Twenty-two years of being treated like it was
all in my head until one sentence was uttered, 70 to 80% of all seizures have
no known cause. What? I’m a normal oddity? That one sentence if uttered at any
point 20 years earlier would have changed so much.
Then later in life, after the birth of a beautiful baby boy,
the request for birth control was made. For some reason the myths of women on
neurological medications would either have horrible birth defect consequences or
women on these meds tend to forget to take their birth control ran rampant
through the medical society. The practice of tying tubes or tubligation would
be my only option. I was sterilized because of my mythical inability to
remember to take my birth control.
Adults and physicians were not the only ones to mentally and
emotionally wrestle with, there is another stumbling block that for most of us
would be the last place we would encounter little or no understanding.
Being Catholic, seeking marriage assistance is not unusual.
Knowing that you have someone to speak to in total confidence is comforting.
The priest listened to my marriage issues, then told me to bring him (my ex) to
church more, be more submissive and a better wife so as not to anger him. Not
the words I was expecting. This holy man was telling me I was at fault for my
ex’s alcohol induced beatings.
I had been married for almost four years. Seeking an
annulment, another Catholic priest (my hometown priest) told me “you should
have just shut up and listened and you wouldn’t have gotten hit” point blank.
That was the end of the discussion and that was the end of me attending the Catholic
From my catechism teachings I don’t remember the heroes and
heroines of the bible being submissive. They were aggressive and empowered, why
should I have been any different?
“You could have just” can be a very powerful statement when
used the right way. The next time you see a child or a woman being abused and
stand by and do nothing. Look into their eyes and see “you could have just held
me or gotten me out; you could have just called someone in my time in need”.
The next time you are fighting over truths and half-truths,
look into their eyes and see “you could have just told me up front I can take
it, you could have just been braver than me this time”.
The next time you pretend to understand a person’s anguish,
step back one minute and take a look and you will see, “you could have just
been there wholly instead of pretending to know, you could have just silently
listened as my world fell apart – opinions were not needed just then”.
So please, if you get anything out of this, finish this
sentence before you change the life of a child, a victim, a friend, a
co-worker, a patient, a parishioner, or anyone for that matter.
You could have just…..just what? Think about that the next
time you speak a half truth or your belief, is it better for you or the person